shoeszorz!

on the upside, i got new shoes. actual shoes. not a metaphor for boy.

anger

i'm mad.

i feel like i always get tangled up in immature bullshit. i am tired of people blaming others for their own problems, making others feel bad for making the decision that was right for everyone involved, and blaming others for their own misery and issues.

i have issues. i am ok with that. i am not ok with people who pretend having issues is no big deal, and that you shouldn't have any issues because they don't, and they don't see a "reason" for you to have any. for anyone who has ever thought that about anyone else, especially if you were close to that person: FUCK YOU.

I am so over all of this nonsense. I don't need it in my life. i don't need it bringing me down. and i don't need someone who should be making me feel better- a "friend"- making me constantly feel like shit for being who i am.

i am so, so close to just saying "i'm done."

i'm tired of always being there. i'm tired of being a puppet. i'm tired of being blamed and feeling at fault for your inability to make a decision many years ago- and inability to do so to this day!

i have a lot of other, much more important things to deal with in my life right now, and all i am seeing is immaturity and pathetic things from people i expect a lot more from. it's not one specific person....there is just a lot of bullshit and meanness going on and i really don't want to get caught up in it.

but it seems i have (again) become the object of someone's (same person again too!) mean statements.

well you know what?
lets be completely objective about it. if the benefits are negative, it's time to give up.

this might all be a waste of time.

a little bit of a lamentation i guess

i like this song:

I don't want to get over you. I guess I could take a sleeping pill and sleep at will and not have to go through what I go through. I guess I should take Prozac, right, and just smile all night at somebody new, Somebody not too bright but sweet and kind who would try to get you off my mind. I could leave this agony behind which is just what I'd do if I wanted to, but I don't want to get over you cause I don't want to get over love. I could listen to my therapist, pretend you don't exist and not have to dream of what I dream of; I could listen to all my friends and go out again and pretend it's enough, or I could make a career of being blue--I could dress in black and read Camus, smoke clove cigarettes and drink vermouth like I was 17 that would be a scream but I don't want to get over you.

The Magnetic Fields- I don't want to get over you

in a few years...

maybe life will look like this.